Apple blows $US25b war chest on jellybeans

Macworld Staff
1 April, 2009
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After years of speculation, industry sources said Apple’s Board of Directors on Tuesday passed a resolution that would authorise the use of the company’s sizeable cash reserves, estimated at $US25 billion ($A37 billion), to buy jellybeans.

The money, which will fund the purchase of $US4 jellybean assortment boxes for each of the approximately 6.5 billion people on earth, is part of Apple’s new ‘beaning the earth’ strategy, itself an offshoot of the company’s ‘greening the earth’ eco-friendly philosophy.

Although logistical details are still being worked out, Apple board member Al Gore met with the media after the announcement to explain the reasoning behind the effort.

“As you all know, I and the other members of the Apple board have worked tirelessly to improve the quality of life on this planet,” Gore explained. “After years trying to save the planet through conventional means, we decided it was time for a radical step. And that step is jellybeans.”

“We were sitting on all that cash for so long,” the one-time United States vice president continued, “and everybody was wondering whether we were going to do something radical like buying Sun Microsystems or taking over the island of Madagascar to build an evil-genius jungle fortress in the side of a mountain.”

Gore paused for a moment, as if in deep thought, before continuing.

“In the end,” he concluded, “we wanted to use the money for the benefit of all humankind – and figured the best way would be to spend the cash on something everybody will enjoy. We will feed the poor, colour the deserts in jellybean rainbows, and bring smiles to the children. After all, who doesn’t love jellybeans?”

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